The New Australian

Proudly nearly Australian since 2010. "I'm not grumpy, the rest of the world is just unrealistically upbeat"

The New Australian - Proudly nearly Australian since 2010. "I'm not grumpy, the rest of the world is just unrealistically upbeat"

Bad day in the office

This was predicted by this organ.

It doesn’t make it any easier to take though.

My best case scenario now is a France vs. New Zealand final, with the frogs winning. It’s THAT bad.

Sadly, I suspect it’s a Bledisloe Cup for the final though. That’s a horrid thought.

I’m visiting some failing strugglers over in the Perth offices this week. My mood is unlikely to improve.

In the words of Mr. T; I pity the fools.

Pretty please, with sugar on the top; clean the fucking car

Regular readers may have spotted that the frequency of posts to this organ has dropped in recent weeks. This is not due to a lack of targets to ridicule in Australia but a sudden increase in the volume of paying work.

One of the activities I’ve been busy with is being the corporate trouble-shooter for one of my clients. It would be overstating things to suggest that I’ve been flying in to international destinations, banging heads and flying out again. The reality is more along the lines of driving to some locations, listing a bunch of problems, finding out who/where the bottleneck is and using a mix of bribery and blackmail to unblock them.

Actually, mainly blackmail; as the KGB understood, blackmail is the far more effective form of persuasion.

At the risk of sounding immodest (Who? Me? Never), I’m a tad expensive to be used for this purpose, but I like to think of myself as the corporate equivalent of a high class hooker; we can sit on the bed holding hands and talking about your wife or do something else but the price is still the same.

One of the issues I unblocked this week was delivery of equipment to a new business we’d set up recently. The brains trust running it had made the mistake of thinking that a single manager signing off on purchase orders was a smart move to control costs. It is, until you want to increase the pace at which you’re operating, at which point he or she is sitting on 200 of the damn things a day and has no idea what they’re approving but they know that if they don’t they will stop the business.

People’s reaction to my help can be mixed. As an ice-breaker, I use the quote, “the 9 scariest words in the English language are, ‘I’m from head office and I’m here to help‘”.

One of the people who is part of the problem offered an unfortunately similar reaction to my assistance as Vincent Vega does in this clip….. with a suitably Winston Wolfe-esque retort from me.

Generation Cupcake Fairy Blossom

No, this isn’t an elaborate hoax

Ah, our old friends Fair Work Australia. The same people who heard a woman claim compensation for an injury sustained having drunken sex in her hotel room while away on a business trip and didn’t kick her out of the door with some curt Anglo Saxon advice.

This case concerns me greatly. Most of my working week is spent engaging in some level of workplace bullying, from the low level and subtle through to the elaborate and explicit.

An example of the former; I have a printout on my office wall showing the chronology of geological time (paleozoic, mesazoic, etc.) and, when a particular colleague with a poor track record of delivery comes to me with further excuses and promises, I point to it and ask him which of the durations I should use as a guide for my expectations.

To illustrate the more explicit bullying, I have been known to walk through entire departments loudly asking if anyone does anything other than looking at computer screens because, if not, perhaps they’d like to apply for visas to visit India as I’ve just had a great idea that they can help with?

But unfriending (not a real word, I know) someone on Creepbook is workplace bullying? Fuck me, I’m in trouble then. 

I hope nobody dobs a me in for giving a comb and a condom to the office twat in last year’s Secret Santa (i.e. “dickhead“).

And that’s just a sample of my original material. The stuff I plagiarise from Malcolm Tucker is way better.

Writing an email congratulating a colleague on taking four months to deliver an absolute crock of shit that was nowhere near what we’d previously agreed and two months late to boot, “Apple have produced two iPads in the same time, Geoff, and their CEO is dead“.

Or trying to unpick an utter clusterfuck of what should have been a straightforward project, “this is like the Shawshank redemption but with more crawling through shit and no fucking redemption“.

Probably the one they’ll get me on though is for whistling the Laurel and Hardy theme and asking a pair of colleagues if they’d had much trouble getting the piano up the stairs.

Workplace bullying? Don’t make me fucking laugh.

Fucking amateurs.

(h/t some Welsh cunt).

Channeling Rutger Hauer

It’s no safer than hitch-hiking, apparently.

The New South Wales Taxi Cartel Council have an expensive advertising campaign underway currently, explaining to all of us who find Uber a cheaper and adequate alternative to the government regulated taxis in Sydney just what kind of risk we are taking by using the service.

As the advert above implies, a lone woman using Uber is simply asking to be raped. Almost deserves it if it happens, in fact.

Because of the wonders of government regulation, this sort of atrocity could never happen in a licenced taxi.

Not, never?

No never.

What, never?

Well, hardly ever.

At this point the HMS Pinafore lyric stops as Messers Gilbert and Sullivan knew that three repetitions is enough for good comedy. A quick search of the words “Sydney taxi driver convicted” will show that the NSW Taxi Cartel Council deal more in tragedy than comedy, however.


A similar search for Uber drivers in Australia brings up only two instances of crimes, one of which is completely unrelated to his job but is mentioned by the Fairfax press more as an indication of their bias against anything that suggests the free market can operate better than the gubbermunt.


As this organ has stated previously, a cold and logical analysis of the relative safety of Uber versus government-regulated taxis doesn’t support the NSW Taxi Cartel Council’s assertion that more women will be raped in Uber cars than taxis nor does it suggest that driving a taxi is safer for the driver;



Still, as Upton Sinclair once said, “It is difficult to get a man to understand something, when his salary depends on his not understanding it”. So that’s why Roy Wakelin-King (of the Wakelin-Kings of Surrey) is peddling this tosh.


Hey Roy, you talkin’ to me?


Australia in 3rd place already

Or the “Barrymore Zone” (neé “Brian Jones Zone”) as it’s know.


The TNA house concluded that it was nervy start for England and that the new model of Gilbert ball is clearly not as sticky in the hands as previous versions otherwise how else could the dozens of dropped passes be explained?

Mike Brown proved once again that a quality full back is the difference between a win or a loss on many occasions, as many of this organ’s author’s ex-teammates can testify.

The scoreboard aside, Fiji look like they could win more than just one match in their pool. If I were unable to use apostrophes correctly Australian or a pompous windbag Welshman, I’d be a little nervous right now.

France vs Italy should be interesting tonight. Prediction; France by 10 to 15 points.

Australia – Banana Republic Status Confirmed

If this government cannot get the adjustment, get manufacturing going again, and keep moderate wage outcomes and a sensible economic policy, then Australia is basically done for. We will just end up being a third-rate economy, a banana republic.” Paul Keating, 14th May 1986


Australia is my new home. I like it a lot; I enjoy my career here, my family and I have an excellent quality of life and we intend to remain here for many more years. Politically and economically though, the place is a fucking basket case.


Banana republic is a political science term for a politically unstable country, whose economy is largely dependent on exporting a limited-resource product, e.g. bananas. It typically has stratified social classes, including a large, impoverished working class and a ruling plutocracy of business, political, and military elites. This politico-economic oligarchy controls the primary-sector productions to exploit the country’s economy.


So the definition is, politically unstable and largely dependent on exports of limited resources?

Exhibit One; Politically unstable.

Compulsory voting attendance at a ballot station. Sure, that might not be an indication of political instability, but it certainly suggests political immaturity when one looks at the bedfellows;


Exhibit Two; Politically unstable.

5 changes of Prime Minister over 5 years, 9 of the last 14 leaders didn’t finish their term. The political parties are literally shitting in our faces each time they dump an elected PM.


Exhibit Three; Politically unstable.

The shortest term (3 years) of national government in the OECD.


Exhibit Four; Largely dependent on exports of limited resources.

At least it’s not bananas but there’s not much value being added to these products, is there. Germany or Singapore we ain’t;


Are you thinking what I’m thinking, B2?

Banana republic

Do you vote? Why, exactly?

Seriously, they’re at it again; deciding who your Prime Minister will be without asking your opinion.


Yes, yes, the general election is to elect your local MP and the leader of the party with a ruling majority becomes the Prime Minister, but….. if that’s the case, why does every major news outlet commission polls every month to discover who the preferred Prime Minister is at any given point?


Regardless of our views, the Liberal Party may roll another Prime Minister this evening. If so, that will be the 10th out of the last 14 democratically-elected Prime Ministers to not make it to the end of his/her term. Granted, Harold Holt retired hurt but the other 9 were fired by their parties.


Put your political leanings to one side for a moment and ask yourself how comfortable you are with that statistic. Maybe remind yourself of it when you next find yourself in the ballot booth.


As this organ has suggested previously, if this coup d’état occurs and you don’t express a negative opinion to your MP consider the possibility that you are being farmed like 21st Century Eloi.

The magic of George Street, Sydney

Young Magic, sometimes of this parish, has been out and about on George Street recently.

In the space of just a few minutes he managed to snap these business fashion faux pas examples.

Exhibit A; What colour shoes should be matched with a blue suit?

Why, blue of course.

Exhibit B; If one insists on not buying trousers that fit, accessorise the gap between the trousers and the hem with loud socks.

Sydney CBD Dress Code Bingo is a game that was originally born on George Street and time has shown that the richest hunting ground remains in that locale.

Bravo Magic!

Another duplicate law

Let’s quickly catch you up on one of the major legal problems we have in Australia right now;

Too many legislative bodies have the power to create new laws, and, to justify their continuing existence, they must keep writing new laws.

Remember The New Australian’s advice to anyone considering proposing a new law;

Ask yourself, “Is this the first time since the reign of King John in 1215 that this problem has been faced by a legislator and, if so, what is the lightest touch I can bring to resolve the issue?”.

Yet, despite our brilliant advice, they are still writing bollocks laws onto the statue books where previous similar laws exist.

Victoria is going to have a law to stop criminals associating with criminals to conspire to commit a crime.


If only we had some extant legislation to cover that kind of thing. I mean, rough criminally-minded fellows ganging together to sell drugs, steal and inflict violence is such a new phenomena, isn’t it? It must be a consequence of the internet or something.

Of course, the obvious solution must be to draft and pass more laws. Anyone who suggests that the problem is simply one of ineffective policing has clearly not realised what one of the main deliverables of Australian politicians is; create many new and unnecessary laws to justify their ongoing seat on the Great Australian Gravy Train.

By the way, if you are a Police Detective or official working for the Australian Tax Office, you may want to have a bit of a fisk of the financial affairs of this “bikie wikie” chap;


Bikie wikey

Can you see the problem? 

He’s a member of a motorcycle gang and is riding a brand new Harley V Rod with a provisional licence…. I wonder which hobby came first; associating with violent criminals or a love of motorcycles?

Save our vested interests

If you spend any time watching TV or listening to the local radio station out in the boondocks of Australia, you might have come across an advert for a campaign called Save Our Voices. Despite the name, this isn’t a charity to help people suffering from throat cancer or laryngitis, but an organisation lobbying to protect local broadcasters.



Which local broadcasters are we talking about here, the dozens of ABC and SBS publicly-funded local channels? Nah, four privately-owned companies;


Prime, WIN, Southern Cross Austereo and Imparja. As an aside, the website is owned by Southern Cross.


To completely digress, surely the so-called Southern Cross is actually a Southern Rhomboid?


Anyway, back to the lobbyists who call themselves Save Our Voices….. What they are asking us to support is a change in legislation to, wait for it, allow them to merge.


Is that it?


Um, yeah.


The entire campaign is a single issue lobby to allow consolidation of failing private companies in a declining/dead market.


Those who know that this organ is a champion of the free market would expect little sympathy for their cause; they’ve failed to keep up with the market and are now pleading special treatment from a higher authority. However…..


They’ve missed the problem entirely; yes, the market has shrunk, there are multiple channels of news and entertainment available to the consumer, many of which are practically free at the point of consumption. But, while the independent broadcaster has no other choices but to adapt, cut costs or shut down, their main competitor doesn’t need to consider any of these three options.


Why? It is measured by a different set of metrics to a commercial organisation and is funded from a magic pot of money.


Changing the merger rules is just lipstick on a pig; while the ABC is allowed to compete in the same market, these companies are more fucked than a working girl in the port of Subic the weekend a US aircraft carrier docks.


Whither their ABC?

Sydney Harbour Stadium

The usual bread and circuses cycle continues here in New South Wales. The current State Premier (don’t like the current one? Hang around a few months, we change them like underwear here) has committed a bunch of our cash towards sporting stadia rebuilds.

Anyone who has ever visited the Olympic stadium out at Homebush and compared it to anything similar in other cities around the world will surely be joining me in wondering why any further funding for the place doesn’t involve smashing it to the ground and never playing another international sporting match there again.

The Sydney Football Stadium at Moore Park is fine for a mid-capacity ground but it’s useless for any event larger than a mid-season Super XV match.

Of course, the more capitalist-minded of us might also wonder why any public money should be spent on a sporting venue at all? Surely popular sports, by their nature, should easily be able to self-fund their venues?

This being Cuba Australia, the first answer to any question must always be “government funded” though, regardless of the political hue of the government.

So, given that the politicians are going to do what politicians do and spunk our money on shit we didn’t ask for, rather than upgrade stadia at Homebush, Moore Park and Parastabber, perhaps there is a far more attractive and financially-viable option?

Maybe there’s a location to build a stadium which would truly put Sydney on the global map as the premier location to host major sporting events?

We’ve written on this subject before; it is, of course, the Sydney Harbour Stadium.


Before you dismiss this idea as fanciful and expensive, consider this; four years ago, Metlife Stadium was built at a cost of $1.6bn and a much larger man-made island project, Chek Lap Kok Airport cost $4.5bn in 1998.

Maybe we could chuck our Mr. Baird’s $1.6bn at the firms who built those two projects and see if we can’t have an inspiring stadium in the middle of the harbour as a consequence?

The marketing department have gone postal

A slightly shorter version of this, presumably extremely expensive, video is being shown on every Air Zealand flight just prior to take off.

The tone-deaf bloke shouting rapping on the left is Israel Dagg. 

Yes, the All Black Israel Dagg. 48 caps at full back or on the wing.

I bet he had a good chuckle watching this on the flights he and his fellow All Blacks took to get to London to prepare for the Rugby World Cup this weekend.

Oh, hang on;

All But Izzy
Oh, that’s awkward.

“Accessorising my beard”

Another shitty business trip, another visit to a shitty country town, albeit one with an excellent real ale venue.

The local Christchurch rag, when not wasting tens of pages detailing all the reasons why all the other participant teams in the Rugby World Cup are just there to make up the numbers and to buy beers for the Kiwis after they win it again, has a fashion section.

Christchurch and fashion? Let’s have a moment’s silence for the death of irony.

This page resulted in my organic muesli and low fat alpaca milk yoghurt being sprayed across the breakfast table on Thursday;

Get in the sea


Get in the fucking sea.

When is a weapon not a weapon?

When it’s a “cultural heritage”.

For centuries, my ancestors have relied on the long bow to see off various invaders and unwelcome types. In times of peace, it was a useful hunting weapon to ensure that my forebears’ stomachs remained full.

To an Englishman, the long bow has a deep spiritual significance; holy men would bless the bows and quivers before battles.

Obviously, if a proud Englishman such as myself were to be prevented from boarding an aircraft with a fully-functioning long bow and a quiver full of arrows, there would be a public uproar. The racism would be rightly called out as unacceptable. Human rights activists would be fighting my corner and commencing legal proceedings, pro bono, on my behalf.

So I can deeply sympathise with Alec Doomadgee’s hurt and pain at the hands of the racist Qantas staff. Not the ”in your face KKK shit” obviously, but “snide, smartass remarks“.

After all, it’s not as if the boomerang has been used for centuries as a highly-effective hunting and fighting weapon, is it?



Bloody Australian racists.

Carry your visa at all times

Operation Fortitude didn’t happen this weekend.

If it were to happen, what would it have entailed?

Apparently, members of Her Majesty’s Australian Border Force would have been wandering the streets of Melbourne checking people’s visa status to ensure nobody is here without permission or is violating the terms of their particular visa.

A usually imperturbable AussiePride hastily banged the living daylights out of his keyboard to knock out an email to let me know about this outrage. He was fewmin, liberally using adjectives such as fascist and police state.

Personally, I was a little more sanguine about the operation;

Firstly, I don’t have an objection to visa obligations and conditions being actively enforced, well, at least not in principle.

Secondly, the anarchist in me would have loved to have seen quite how they thought it might work in practice. In fact, I was a little disappointed that they weren’t planning to run the publicity stunt here in Manli ™ and had stopped me during their activities.

Why? Because it’s utter illegal bollocks, that’s why. Stop me on the street and demand identification without having reasonable grounds to suspect that I’ve committed, am about to commit or have just witnessed a crime and you’ll be given a short answer in the negative. Detain me for more than a moment and you’ll be meeting my legal team to discuss the compensation for unlawful arrest.

Unusually, the Grauniad gets it right here. Stopped clocks being correct twice a day, an’ all that.

Victorian and New South Wales’ laws are very similar in this regard; you must carry and produce on request your driving licence whilst driving a vehicle (as Magic found to his peril) but there is no legal requirement to identify yourself to the police or border authorities whilst going about your legal business on a Victorian or New South Wales street. It’s a different story at an airport or port though, so I wouldn’t recommend telling the coppers to take a hike if asked who you are there.

You must also be very careful with the language one uses in New South Wales. In fact, locals tell me that this has been used very effectively by Sydney cops over the years to supercharge offences from mild misdemeanors to a trifecta which might attract a prison sentence with resisting arrest (i.e. you objected to having your head slammed against the hood of the police car) chucked in as the third and final strike.

But back to the aborted Operation SNAFU Fortitude; how might it have worked out for the team as they patrolled the mean streets around Federation Square?

Border Force One; (to a swarthy-looking gentleman); Excuse me sir, can you step over here please, I’d like to talk to you about your immigration status?

Swarthy Gentleman; No sorry mate, I’ve already donated to the girl collecting over there. I’m in a hurry as I’m meeting my mates at The G for the match.

Border Force One; Please stop immediately and provide identification otherwise you will be arrested!

Cop providing support (quietly); Um, you can’t demand ID and we can’t arrest him.

Border Force One; Right sir, on this occasion only I will let you off with a warning but don’t let it happen again.

Swarthy Gentleman; Jesus, what an utter fucking waste of taxpayer’s money.

Cop; Get up against the wall, NOW! Someone read him his rights while I cuff him.

Happy 800th anniversary of the Magna Carta, by the way.


Except for Opotiki

I’ve got to head over to 1987 New Zealand next week to give some people more bad news. Look on the bright side folks; spring is coming so you’ve got plenty of time to tidy up the garden. Maybe use the new free time to learn about Lotus 123?

Anyway, the client has a subscription to a travel advisory and safety service which sends helpful email alerts about possible dangers in foreign countries. Usually, this means I have spam about Jammu and Kashmir when I’m only planning on visiting Maharashtra.

Thankfully, they’ve got my back covered during my whirlwind trip to Nuh Zullund;



New Zealand is a safe travel destination. The crime rate is low and the country is a safe destination for foreign travellers. Street crime and theft, particularly from unattended vehicles, is rising, but from an extremely low base that compares favourably with the US and most European states. Kidnapping is virtually unknown in New Zealand and tends to be confined to the Asian community or as a result of domestic custody disputes. The risk of international terrorism, including Islamist extremism, is low.

This information is intended as a summary of the travel security environment; however, the risks can change at short notice during a crisis or evolving situation. Please check our travel security alerts to ensure you are informed of the most recent developments.



City Information for Auckland, New Zealand


Petty and violent crime rates are generally low. There is no significant threat from terrorism or violent social unrest.



City Information for Christchurch, New Zealand


Christchurch is the largest city on the South Island. Its low crime rate and does not represent a significant risk to personnel. There are no trouble spots in the city and the risk of international terrorism, including Islamist extremism, is low.

The city is prone to earthquakes, and the most recent serious earthquake was a 5.8-magnitude tremor in December 2011. A 6.3 tremor in February 2011 killed more than 160 people and caused widespread damage to infrastructure and essential services. ‘Red zone’ cordons were lifted in the central business district (CBD) in June 2013.


If you’re living in Christchurch and feel brave enough to be out after dark, I’ll be propping up the bar at Volstead on Riccarton Road from about 8.30pm, Tuesday night and from about 6.30pm Wednesday night. Introduce yourself with either of the week’s two code phrases (which I’ll be also dropping into conversations in the various offices I’m visiting), “Sean Fitzpatrick was the best international captain to never win the world cup” or, “28 years and the All Blacks have only won it twice, both times with the home advantage and the Saffas weren’t even invited to the first one“.

It’s just a rumour that was spread around town

Despite swearing blind that I’d never visit the Ice-addiction capital of Australia StabYerDadAlaide ever again, I found myself down there for a jaunty two day visit.

The local rag seems to be a single issue newspaper focused purely on the progress of petitioning the Federal government to force the Navy to buy overpriced, late delivered ships and submarines from a union-infested boatyard in South Australia.




It’s a no-brainer apparently.

Well, apart from the fact that it involves pissing away 40% more money than we have to.

If you pay income tax in Australia, here’s a question to ponder;


“How much are you personally prepared to contribute to subsidise the South Australian shipbuilding industry? How much is too much?”


The reason I ask is because the maths is really neat and tidy;


$90 billion to build the ships in Australia. 40% more than overseas, so that’s a $26 billion premium for the job subsidy programme.


Australia’s population is 23 million. Round it up to 26 million for the sake of the maths and assume about half of them are paying income tax.


So, Australian taxpayers, you are all paying $2,000 each to the Maritime Union of Australia.


I wonder how much of that two grand manages to get into the takehome pay of its members? I, for one, find it hard to believe these rumours of union corruption and graft.


It’s just a rumour that was spread around town”.


Whale watching season in Richmond

I’ve had this sitting in my inbox for a week now, Christ knows how the email account coped with the increased weight load.

Muzzer and his sainted bride, Tracey, caught this classic cetacean and his purchase from South East Asia while having Sunday brunch.

The weight differential alone gets this Richmond score up into the high 60 point range.

The union seems to have produced issue too, so one can only wonder at the ergonomic and HSE requirements which must be complied with to ensure that procreation can occur without causing a fatal injury to the poor wife.


Well played Muzzer and Tracey, good steady shots of both parties. A well-earned 69 points (phnaaar!).

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