The New Australian

Proudly nearly Australian since 2010. "I'm not grumpy, the rest of the world is just unrealistically upbeat"

The New Australian - Proudly nearly Australian since 2010. "I'm not grumpy, the rest of the world is just unrealistically upbeat"

A tale of two elections

Lucky me; I have the right to vote in elections in two countries this month. Actually, I have the right to vote in one and am forced to vote in another because Australia is a banana republic.

 

The first postal voting form is for the EU Referendum in the UK. Obviously I have selected the option for which many of my ancestors fought and died in various conflicts throughout the centuries; that of self-determination and the rights of the individual over arbitrary and unrepresentative rule.

 

If you are reading this and are able to vote in the referendum, before casting your vote remind yourself of Tony Benn’s questions to those in power and apply these to the 27 unelected officials in charge of the EU along with the (also unelected) Jean-Claude Juncker.

 

1.What Power Have You Got?

 

2.Where Did You Get It From?

 

3.In Whose Interests Do You Exercise It?

 

4.To Whom Are You Accountable?

 

5.How Can We Get Rid Of You?

 

The referendum isn’t about immigration, it isn’t about the economy, it isn’t about preventing the next world war; it’s about Magna Carta and Common Law. If you enjoy complying to laws set by people you’ve never heard of and have no influence over, even at election time, then vote remain.

 

I choose freedom;

img_1791

Also this month, I am obliged to return voting forms for the Australian Federal elections.

Here are the two forms;

IMG_1826

It’s worth reminding ourselves of the Athenian etymology of the noun which describes this; democracy is from “demos” – of the people and “kratos” – rule/power.

 

There’s over 150 names on this form. When we say “of the people”, do we mean the voters or the candidates? This is a serious question to my fellow Australians; is this the real voting form or is it some sort of bizarre social experiment or a hoax?

 

I have to choose a combination of 6 or 12 depending on whether I vote “above the line” or not. If I go with the simple option of selecting a combination of 6 names from the top 41 (giving almost 5 million combinations, by the way), I have tacitly agreed to an arrangement known as preferencing. This is where the candidate for one party agrees to divert his secondary votes to the candidate from another party or something along those lines. To be honest, I’ve not bothered looking into how it works because it’s clearly undemocratic and corrupt and my life is too short to spend vast swathes of time understanding the myriad methods of corruption of Australian politicians.

 

So, if I don’t want to delegate my choices to someone on the first list, I have to choose 12 names from the second list. Let’s say that list has 150 names (I’ve not counted them all), the total discrete combinations of 12 from 150 is a number with 17 digits following it. i.e. just slightly fewer than all the atoms combined in planet Earth.

 

What an absolute joke.

 

Well, two can play at taking the piss. I’m not going lend my voice to provide a so-called mandate in a system designed almost perfectly to not reflect my views and opinions.

 

Have your comedy voting forms back and put whoever you decide in power but don’t pretend that you have anybody’s approval.

IMG_1828 IMG_1827

 

 

 

The jury had the easiest job in the world

Surprisingly, Oliver Curtis didn’t attend Cunt College but Riverview.

Nonetheless, the jury didn’t really to spend much time considering the evidence, it was staring them in the face.

Of course he’s guilty, just look at him;

img_1785-3

 

Trousers that are about 2cm too short and turn ups.

Turn ups? Hello 1987! At least the jacket wasn’t double-breasted, I suppose.

But the real indicator of guilt is on his feet.

Moccasins? Haiwatha the inside trader….

Think back to everybody you’ve ever known who wore moccasins; odds are they were all untrustworthy tosspots.

Send him down, constable.

It isn’t her fault (but not for the reasons she thinks)

Damn it! I’ve been careful to avoid Australian news for a significant time to prevent my blood pressure rising at the utter cockwomblery of Australian politics in this General Election year.

I’d managed it quite successfully too but then somehow the news about Senator Nova Peris slipped through the filter.

In case you don’t recall, Nova was a “captain’s pick” a few years ago. We wrote about the shameful racism and the dilution of democracy involved at the time.

Guess how it ended?

She’s standing down after just one term.

Why?

Because, as we pointed out previously, she’s completely unqualified and inexperienced to fulfil any position of responsibility. There’s no malice meant in that statement, it’s just a fact. It was true at the time of her appointment as the Labor (sic) candidate for a safe seat, was true throughout her three years of mediocracy and entitlement and is demonstrably true as she steps down.

In a tearful presser, Nova warns us away from judging her unless we’re Aboriginal women because how on earth can we know how difficult things have been for her?

There’s some merit in that statement; I’m not an Aboriginal woman with absolutely no experience relevant to politics so, no, I don’t know exactly what her struggles have involved. I have, however, once taken on a job for which I was completely unsuitable and I recall how every day I sat at my desk scratching my head wondering how the fuck I was going achieve the required outcomes without looking like a complete bumbling idiot.

In the end, I pushed my CV out to the market and got a new job. Just like Nova.

It’s worth watching the press conference where SuperNova and Manboobs emote together for a very important reason; it sums up the sorry state of Australian political thought and discourse.

Taking some of Nova’s statements one by one;

Three years ago I walked into Parliament as the first Aboriginal woman”.

Not so much walked as chauffeur-driven in a taxpayer-funded Bentley. You got handed the job on a plate.

Until you are an Indigenous person, do not criticise me for the decisions I’ve made”.

Until? Unless, surely? Ok, that’s grammatical pedantry but let’s take the wider sentiment; you’re saying that a public figure is beyond criticism unless the critic shares an ethnicity with them? Is there a hierarchy to this criticism ban? Can or can’t a Chinese critic criticise, say, a Lebanese public figure? This opens up many more questions around the pecking order of valid criticism and how to establish ethnic rank.

This decision I have made has been on family and I have to look after my children. Aboriginal people haven’t had to share true moments with their children and I hold that dear to my heart”.

Putting aside the terrible grammar and syntax errors, what does that even mean? It sounds very sentimental and lovely though.

I’m a 45-year-old woman and I’m sure you don’t go around every single day time of your life justifying the things you have to do”.

Actually, yes I do have to justify pretty much everything I do. Either to my employers or to my family. It’s not a particularly difficult burden to bear though, as I’m not in the habit of doing things that I find hard to defend (these days). Anyway, if I were a politician, I’d expect it was a significant chunk of the damn job description.

I am a politician but I am also a human”.

Well, I think the jury is coming back in to the court room on that first point and it doesn’t look like they’ll deliver a verdict you’ll be particularly fond of.

Aboriginal people have no inherited wealth, they have inherited pain, but we have a vision”.

There we have it. It’s somebody else’s fault. There’s boat loads of people living here who don’t have inherited wealth but are somehow getting on just fine in a world where they aren’t owed a living. Consider this; maybe the only difference between them and you is that they’ve not been indoctrinated in a culture of victimhood, apathy and handouts.

All the time, of course, the Leader of the Opposition was nodding along trying not to wince at the mangled language and the cognitive dissonance demonstrated by every sentence.

It started badly, it was a disaster in the middle and it ended badly.

Perhaps we could give people jobs based on merit in future. Just a thought.

Thanks but no thanks, Tone

It’s Federal election time again here in the Banana Republic. It’s easy to predict when national elections are due to occur; one simply adds about 18 months to the date of the back room deal which terminated the previous Prime Minister.

One of the hundreds of living ex-Prime Ministers wrote a letter (ooh, how old skool!) to Chez TNA this week;

TA

As much as I’d love to use my postal vote in a way which didn’t involve a pithy and sweary version of the statement, “none of the above venal rent-seekers” and illustrated with a poorly-executed drawing of male genitalia, I’m afraid I can’t find it in myself to give a mandate to any of the woeful wastes of skin and protein we call politicians.

Why?

Well, let’s pick off Anthony Aloisius Hancock’s Abbott’s five points above as examples.

Innovation. Whenever a government claims to be doing something about innovation, run away scared. The hubris of an Australian government to claim to be pro-innovation is on an unprecedented scale.

A New Defence Industry. This is one of the few activities that this organ believes is required of a national government. Creating bullshit jobs in South Australia by buying submarines at three times the cost isn’t the way to do it though. By the way, surely the bullet point title should be “Defence” not “a new defence industry”? Or are we paying workers to dig holes and then paying them again to fill them?

Further Export Trade Deals. In theory, this sounds like a great idea, until you open up the latest one and realise that it contains Bilateral Investment Treaty boilerplate clauses. If you aren’t an expert in international law, these probably haven’t been on your radar before. In summary, these agreements usurp domestic law; if a company decides to take action under the BIT, they can bypass the existing legal process and courts and go straight to arbitration. Who are the arbitrators? Three lawyers from a pool of about 50 working for around 5 global law firms. What could the corporation take to arbitration? How about “expropriation of future profits” due to new legislation brought in by a democratically-elected government. Ponder that for a moment….. Oh, and it’s an Export AND Import deal.

New Tax Incentives. Yeah, that was the main point of the “Innovation” thing though, wasn’t it; tax breaks for Malc’s mates at the major investment firms? It’s a tautologous bullet point.

A New Strong Economy. What does this even mean? How?

Nope, it’s Cock O’Clock when that postal voting form arrives.

Australians, consider this; you get the politicians you deserve.

Cock o’clock

You think you’re so smart, avoiding daft legislation by exploiting the loopholes, but the military-industrial complex gets you to give them legitimacy in the end….

I declined the option of registering enrolling to vote when I gained citizenship, they subsequently wrote to me twice reminding me of my right duty to do so and I politely ignored both letters. So, they took the data I registered with one government department for a particular purpose and handed it, without my permission, to another government department for another purpose.

Ponder that for a moment; by being a citizen, I have tacitly agreed to a complete share of my personal information across all government departments, be it Federal, State, Local or Parish.

Why am I angry?

This;

image2016-04-15-053806-1

You can choose to enrol to vote or you can choose not to but we’ll enrol you anyway so who gives a fuck?

It’s not like your choice matters, just like in Federal elections.

I suppose I’ve got a couple of months to practice drawing cocks then….

After all, nobody called Pablo Picasso an asshole….

Pablo

 

Where’s my compo?

Over the five years I’ve lived here, I’ve realised that there are multiple Australias; there’s a metropolitan privileged Australia inhabited by the politico/media class, there’s the sprawling suburban Australia with its waddling obese sugar and carb addicts, a country/farming/resources Australia physically and culturally remote from 90% of the other Australias (ironic, as they are the most productive) and, of course, there’s the human living museum/zoo of remote Aboriginal communities, incapable of sustaining themselves but also unable to lift themselves off welfare dependence while their children die at the same rate as in Zambia.

These multiple Australias can be distilled down further to just two; those who are immune to the consequences of their actions and the rest of us.

Witness; Clive Palmer’s wheeler dealing unwinds and we pick up the tab.

Scan through the linked news article and weep silently at the multiple indicators that you and I are not living in the same country as these looters.
 
Good to know Clive, you morbidly obese oxygen thief. In a functioning economy, privately owned companies which make poor decisions and find themselves insolvent go out of business, making room for better, more efficient companies. That’s how capitalism works, or at least it did until 2008 when the world decided that 200 million murdered people wasn’t a big enough clue that Socialism is bollocks.

Cretaceous Clive’s chutzpah continues though; not content with allegedly using his company as an ATM to fund his political campaign, he now wants us to refill the damn thing, like some spotty junior bank clerks on the morning shift. Be grateful that we don’t have to wipe the previous evening’s vomit of the keypad, at least.

  
 

Let’s just ponder that for a moment; 

1. Clive mismanaged the company to the point of destruction and allegedly illegally took money out of it for personal use.

2. He now demands taxpayers bail him out.

3. If he doesn’t get it, the taxpayer will have to pay the wages/redundancy bill anyway.

4. This is an election year and Turnbull’s not looking so good in the polls. Perhaps the support of an independent is a price he’s prepared to make us pay for him to remain in office.

Clearly Clive believes he lives in the Compensation/Entitlement Australia.

Other people who live in that Australia include taxi drivers in South Australia who just got handed several tens of thousands of dollars each to help them cope with the fact that their business model of speculating on ownership of a government-regulated taxi “plate” has been broken by Uber.

Also, workers at Holden and Ford factories who manufacture cars that none of us want to buy have been receiving millions of dollars of our cash in compensation for years and, when the last shite car has rolled out of the factory, no doubt they’ll have a load more coming their way to help them all retrain to become web developers, aromatherapists and pet groomers.

In the other Australia, the rest of us have to live with the consequences of our actions and decisions without the comfort of a taxpayer funded compensation bank account.

But, given that we have such a high turnout at elections where we vote for the people who make these decisions to spunk our cash on the fickle, corrupt and just plain stupid, it’s unsurprising that the politicians believe that we agree with their actions.

What’s that you say, “compulsory voting“? Maybe it’s time you started drawing a cock on the voting slip from now on with the words “none of the above, thanks“.

Lawmakers gonna make laws

When a country of only 23 million souls has 16 parliaments and 799 MPs/Senators it is unsurprising to find lots of bullshit laws being created out of thin air. After all, as the joke goes, “why don’t State MPs look out of the window before lunchtime? Because it leaves them something to do in the afternoon“.

As a recently-converted citizen (lobotomy scar healing nicely, thanks for asking), you’ll excuse me for wondering whether the Federal/State split of powers is somewhat fucking insane?

A case in point; NSW is considering additional anti-terror legislation in a highly-predictable knee-jerk response to the latest insanity from Europe.

Call me an old cynic with a tendency to invoke the law of unintended consequences too frequently if you will, but surely national security legislation is something which is most appropriate to be legislated, well, nationally?

Sure, I’m not seriously suggesting potential Jihadis will go “law shopping” and decide that Sydney is a tougher place to trigger a suicide vest than Melbourne but, as a taxpayer, I’d like to pay just the once for the cost of introducing the new law, not twice as a Federal version is then debated.

But, when you have a system which promotes SNAFUs who should hardly be considered capable of being competent parish councillors to the lofty heights of “Member of Parliament” with all the entitlement culture and sycophancy that that entails, we’ll continue to be the unwitting recipients of tax bills for shit laws we never asked for.

Supplemental point; what is the fucking point of the police being able to hold a suspect without trial if they aren’t allowed to ask them any questions? Are we hoping to overhear them discuss their plans for mass murder over the visitors’ table when their mates come to see them? Maybe they’ll post something incriminating on Facebook by mistake?

Perhaps we deserve to be overrun by ISIS after all; we’re too weak too survive.

And the question on the nation’s lips is…..

Will anyone notice?

 

The Sydney Morning Property Advertiser’s remaining staff are currently out on strike.

 

What are their demands?

 

Erm, “stop sacking us just because the company is bleeding money faster than Mike Carlton at an anti-Zionist Charity Ball”.

 

As employee demands in a negotiation go, it’s not the most compelling, especially as the paper pretty much writes itself these days thanks to the genius algorithm employed by the news desk. At the risk being sued for breaching the SMH’s intellectual property, the code is written something along the lines of;

 

  1. Go to Twitter, look at what’s trending.
  2. Cut and paste some of the choicest comments. Better still, if a s’leb has spoken about it, grab that comment first, regardless of whether the subject is remotely linked to their capabilities or expertise.
  3. Publish.
  4. Sell space at the bottom for paid adverts for stories such as, “ten Hollywood breast surgery disasters” or “eight ways to discover if your spouse is unfaithful”.
  5. Rinse.
  6. Repeat.

 

Still, be thankful for small mercies; although Peter “I have no scientific qualifications but I’ll equate climate change sceptics with holocaust deniers” Fitzsimons didn’t get the flick in this latest cull, he has honourably decided not to file his column this weekend in support of the comrades who were fired. Presumably, he’ll comfort himself with a moment’s silence over a couple of soy decafs in his large and recently renovated multi-million dollar heritage Neutral Bay home, perhaps pausing whilst browsing the current Range Rover catalogue to ponder how those ex-journalists will struggle to make their mortgage payments this month. He is a man of the people after all, as the red bandana illustrates, Johnny Cash style.

 

The eloquence of the argument against the constant shrinking of the dead tree press is of the quality that you’d come to expect from people who are paid to write for a living (or at least used to be last week). However, it’s no different to the arguments that were made by out of work blue collar workers when their jobs became cheaper to automate than to pay to be undertaken by manual labour.

 

For those few left working in the anachronistic career of journalism, here’s a few data points for you to ponder;

 

  1. Everyone with a smartphone and a social media account is now a journalist.
  2. Therefore, content is now free.
  3. We never really trusted your content in the first place and now we can corroborate what we’re reading with hundreds of other sources.
  4. While state-funded broadcasters and news websites exist, there will not be a compelling commercial model to fund your product. i.e. your commercial competition isn’t from the Evil Murdoch empire, it’s from theirABC.
  5. The queues at Centrelink can be quite tiresome, don’t forget to top up the data on your phone before you go.

Maybe it’s all down to the language that’s used?

Unlike French, which regularly has officious bureaucrats pontificating over changes to the “correct” spelling and use of grammar, English is a chaotic, evolving Lingua Franca. Best of luck trying to persuade half a billion English-speaking Indians as to the proper conjugation of a newly-invented irregular verb.

Australia has taken this freedom of language and run with it like a fat kid at the school sports day, lardy limbs flapping around impotently, prompting concerned observers to worry about the safety of those in close proximity.

We’ve poked enough fun here at the crimes against the four rules of apostrophes (apostrophe’s?), incompetent use of homophones and transforming nouns into verbs (“medaled”, “podiumed”, “farewelled”, etc.)  But perhaps there’s more subtle consequences to the uniquely Australian version of the English language in use on these shores?

Consider the almost rabid defence employed to protect the hugely uncompetitive government interference in the basic contract of employment between private businesses and their staff. If I were to own a coffee shop (or café, as other English-speaking countries might refer to it), why on earth does a state body need to stipulate the hourly rate on weekdays and weekends that I must offer to potential waitresses and waiters? The clue is in the verb “offer”; if I’m paying less than the market rate I will have to serve the customers on my own, surely?

But when we look at the vernacular for this interference we gain an insight into why people feel the café owner is somehow a corporate bad guy; penalty rates. That’s right, that nasty employer is being penalised for wanting to pay staff so that he can offer a service to customers at weekends. Oh, the inhumanity.

Then there’s business travel; how many auto-email replies have you received where the sender infers that you’ll not get a response for a few days because they are travelling interstate? What does that mean in reality? Working out of a different office which, at the most extreme, shares at least 5 hours of the business day with the home office. Last time I checked, my smartphone received phone calls and downloaded my email in Melbourne, Perth and StabYerDadAlaide (too soon, Crows fans?). Another silly word which indicates an excuse.

But the best example of linguistic cockwomblery is to be found, as always, with the political class; when you and I travel for business, our expense claims are limited by a corporate expense policy which puts an upper limit on what we can claim for costs incurred such as dinner. The noun used is usually something along the lines of allowance or some such synonym. What’s the political version? Entitlement.

If there’s a reader of this organ with a background in Neuro-linguistic Programming, it would be great to have a summary of what behaviours might result from the unconscious mind’s reaction to the word entitlement?

Or alternatively, type “MP entitlement scandal” into Google and see for yourself.

Update; one just arrived today. A cool million for a Greens’ Senator’s travel. 

We’re taking bets

… On which of the 21 kilometres I’m going to get twatted by one of the professionally offended.

Why?

Because, in an attempt to give myself a goal to finalise and draw a line under the the recovery from this, I’m running the Sydney Half Marathon on May 15th…. in fancy dress.

  

If you fancy a post race pint, it should be fairly easy to find me.

Arbitrarily Detained

The deputy leader of the Australian Communist Greens Party, has called for the dropping of the warrant for the arrest for Julian Assange after a group of non-lawyers in a sheltered workshop in the UN released a report claiming that Jules had been “arbitrarily detained” in the Ecuadorian Embassy in Kensington, London.

Obviously Senator Ludlum is a complete dickhead but, in his defence, he’s been completely eclipsed in cockwomblery by the UN Working Group’s spokesman;

In the up is down world of Greens’ logic, the real question is, if Britain and Sweden now have to pay compensation, as the team of non-legally qualified UN idiots suggest, how much does Senator Ludlum reckon we have to pay to this pair?
  
(Arbitrarily detained 1964 to 2001)
  
(Arbitrarily detained 1978 – 2003)

Brown in town

By the shining Big-Sea-Water,
At the doorway of his wigwam,
In the pleasant Summer morning,
Hiawatha stood and waited.

  

Mate, I don’t want to alarm you but you’re wearing fucking moccasins. 

Moccasins.

To go to work in.

And it looks like you’ve forgotten your bow and arrows.

Sydney CBD Dress Code Bingo is back.

Still voting, fools?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the latest policy proposal from a right of centre political party currently running the state government of New South Wales;

  
Let me translate that for you in case you’re a bit slow on the uptake this morning;
1. Increase taxes.

2. Churn some of the increased revenue back to some people in a really fucking inefficient way.

3. No cuts to government spending. None.

This, by the way, from pretty much the only Australian political party which doesn’t claim to be socialist.

Personally, I’ll do what little I can to avoid paying tax for these jokers to piss away but I certainly won’t vote for any of them. 

Since gaining citizenship, I’ve had two begging letters from the AEC asking me to register. It’s tempting to reply with this link explaining why I won’t.

Arrestin’ Guber

This bloke is my new favourite green inker;

  
Russell Howarth isn’t the unfunny British “comedian” who seems to be omnipresent on shite panel shows on theirABC but is, in fact, an hilarious British ex-copper who’s down on his luck so earns a living picking me up at 5am when I need to go to the airport.

Like all the other vested interests Sydney taxi drivers, Russell has made a poor investment decision and is now desperate to prevent the value of his Sydney Taxi “plate” from falling any further.

The difference between Russell and all the other chumps who thought that buying into a cartel was a good long term decision, is that he’s got a lot of energy and is not afraid of the chance of a bit of biffo.

Which explains why he’s been trying perform citizens’ arrests on Uber drivers that he books to collect him for journeys he has no intention of taking.

I’m curious; is there a case to be brought by these Uber drivers against someone who is preventing them from undertaking their business? I’m happy to help, because we love Uber here at The New Australian Towers.

I digress. His website is good value too; I particularly love the footage from his 15 minutes of fame on one of the trashy consumer TV programmes. Watch to the end where he wells up and gets a bit teary because he realises that he’s just potentially cost a minimum wage-earning driver $110k in fines. Of course, if the NSW government were to try to impose this, the taxpayers ought to bring a case against their government for being fucking idiots; they’ve not yet managed to get Eddie Obied to pay a fine, for fuck’s sake.

We can’t blame Russell for acting out the angry ginger kid stereotype; he’s emigrated to Australia with his generous Police pension and spunked it all into a depreciating asset. I’d be pretty pissed off too.

Good luck to him in his single issue crusade. Just whatever you do, don’t tell him that Google and Ford have gone into partnership to build driverless cars and, once the first juristiction such as Singapore legalise them, the longevity of taxi drivers can be counted in months and years, not decades.

Probably best to sell your “plate”, Russ, before the supply of greater fools runs out.

Banana spills

If you have a hunt around the internet, you’ll find rumours that are not currently being reported in the mainstream media which suggest that the last Prime Minister (I don’t recall his/her name) is gathering numbers of MPs to challenge the current Prime Minister (I don’t recall his/her name).

Actually, that paragraph might have a slight factual inaccuracy; it might be being reported in the mainstream media, but I haven’t watched/listened or read any of the main sources for so long I can’t be sure. If it’s not on Netflix, BeIn Sports or a podcast, I don’t notice it. Correct me in the comments if the luvvies are all over it.

Whether or not the mejia are doing a Rolf again is not really the point. Go on to Twitter and search for the hashtag #Libspill and you’ll see that there’s some smoke, if no clear evidence of fire.

So what?

So how about the fact that, although we’re living in a country with lovely beaches, great climate and excellent quality food and wine (no, not the beer; that’s fucking shite), it is, in fact, a banana republic.

Surely not? This is another one of those rants with excessive hyperbole (“hyperbowl” in the vernacular) with no basis of fact.

Banana Republic

NOUN

  1. derogatory
    a small state that is politically unstable as a result of the domination of its economy by a single export controlled by foreign capital.

No, that’s not Australia at all, is it?

Hmmmm……. Five Prime Ministers since 2007, with the chance of a sixth this year, which would average out the term to be 18 months each. Ok, so we’ve got political instability….. at least we’ve not got an economy reliant on the export of one single commodity, without any local “value add”, controlled by foreign capital.

  

 Oh.

I’m trying to work out what must be worse; being the suckers who diligently go into the polling booths every three years genuinely thinking that they have any influence whatsoever or the Peter Van Onselens, Laurie Oaks, etc. who have an entire career dedicated to reporting this utter bollocks. What do you call parasites that live off other parasites, is there a noun for it?

 

By the way, if you’re wondering whether you recognise the voice, it’s Louis Prima, the chap who played King Louis in the original Jungle Book cartoon. If you’d like to amuse yourself further, read how casting an Italian American singer was racist because, well, because the apes are a metaphor for African Americans, apparently.

 

 

George, you ARE soul

I was hunting around for one of those “teach yourself to play a famous riff” guitar videos on YouTube recently. It’s all so much easier these days; before the Internet you’d have to keep pressing Pause on the cassette CD player until the correct chord or note had been identified.

Time is a commodity I have less of now so I’m very happy that it’s possible to watch other people, who’ve done the hard work, demonstrate how to play it, allowing me more time to get on with making the damn noise.

During this process, I stumbled upon the musical genius that is George Souls. 

Germany has produced a long line of brilliant rock and roll acts from Kraftwerk to erm….. Yeah.

My selection today is The George Souls’ Band (clue; it’s just him) playing all the parts of The Rolling Stones’ classic from Sticky Fingers; Brown Sugar. 

If you close your eyes, you will struggle to discern a difference between the original Keef Richards, Mick Jagger, Charlie Watts, Bill Wyman and Mick Taylor version and this. The intricate drum fills kept me fascinated in particular. Also, admire the “soulful” way (try the veal) he recreates the way Keef holds the plectrum strokes just slightly off the rhythm to give it a really sleazy blues sound.

Genius.

If you’ve enjoyed this as much as I have, may I also recommend his version of Procul Harem’s Whiter Shade of Pale?

I’m making tea, Withnail. Do you want tea?“.

Money saving idea for Manli ™ Council

No, it’s not “merge with a bunch of other councils to get economies of scale because we don’t all travel around on horses anymore”.

Nope, this is even simpler to implement; when this sign needs replacing, put up a smaller one that says, “Don’t break the law”;

  

Seriously, “our code of respect”? They’re all laws except offensive language (and I think they can label that “threatening behaviour” and fine you anyway).

Deadpool 2016

As always, my picks survived the year.

With my kiss of life in mind, I’ve added one or two on there who I don’t want to see depart soon….. and a couple of utter bastards who I’d help hurry along.

So, without any further ado;

Justin Bieber

Clive James

Peter Sutcliffe

Robert Mugabe

Paul Gazza Gascoigne

Ian Brady

George Bush Snr

John McVie

Fidel Castro

Joost van der Westhuizen

Leonard Cohen

Iggy Pop

Fast Eddie Clarke

Charles Manson

Martin Crowe

A reminder of the rules; they must be famous, the score is 100 minus their age and if anyone else in the competition (there’s about 30 of us) has the same selection take 5 point off the score.

Thanks for the hearing damage, Lemmy

He may have progressively and utterly ruined my hearing over a series of concerts dating back to 1988 but, boy, it was worth it.

Lemmy got his first taste of rock and roll at a Beatles concert. Based on the location and the year, it’s highly likely both of my parents were at the same concert. The Fab Four were the support act for Roy Orbison (which is even better than my “I saw Nirvana when they were 6th on the bill” boast)

I’m not disappointed that Dad didn’t go on to roadie for Hendrix, get kicked out of Hawkwind for taking “the wrong drugs” (and shagging all the other band members’ partners) and then form the best heavy rock and roll band in history; home life might have been somewhat more unstable than the bucolic middle-class idyl that my childhood was.

I saw Motörhead live about half a dozen times and every one was exciting, huge fun and, most memorably, fucking loud.

There are lots of brilliant Lemmy quotes which we’ll hear over the coming days. Perhaps my favourite is when asked by an interviewer at a festival what the band would sound like if they came back to play in ten years time?

“The same but louder”

There seem to be an awful lot more Motörhead fans out on social media than I ever saw at a concert. If you see any unlikely fans, perhaps ask them the name of a 2nd or 3rd song title just for a bit of fun.

This is one of my favourites. I often quote the lyrics in my standard “thanks, I’m leaving” email when I switch contracts

Just Fast Eddie left from the original line up now. Deadpool 2016 selection, I suspect.

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