The New Australian

Proudly nearly Australian since 2010. "I'm not grumpy, the rest of the world is just unrealistically upbeat"

The New Australian - Proudly nearly Australian since 2010. "I'm not grumpy, the rest of the world is just unrealistically upbeat"

Na na na nineteen new charges. Craig’sLists!

Hi there,

Federal member for Dobell here.

As you know, there’s nothing I like better than a good list.

Here’s my list of favourite movies, all of which were available on pay to view last time I stayed at the Sydney Swissotel;

  1. Shaving Ryan’s Privates
  2. Throbbin’ Hood
  3. King Dong
  4. Riding Miss Daisy
  5. When Harry ate Sally
  6. Dawson’s Crack
  7. Ass Ventura: Smut Detective
  8. Ally McFeel
  9. Star Whores
  10. Apollo 13 inches
  11. The Usual Sexpects
  12. Lawrence of a labia
  13. Charlie’s Anals
  14. The Rodfather
  15. One flew over the Cuckoo’s Breast

20130516-075405.jpg

Exquisite timing

This arrived today in response to the Freedom of Information request I flicked out last month.

I’ve responded with a reduced request; just question 3.

Lets get to the heart of the matter, shall we? How much consideration goes into the process of pissing money down a bottomless pit?

 

Department of Industry, Innovation, Climate Change, Science, Research and Tertiary Education’s response to a FOI request for details about Holden’s welfare payments

Ford Australia: and the winner is…. no-one

Finally. It’s taken how many years and how many taxpayers’ dollars before the executives at Ford eventually took the only honourable course of action available and, whiskey and service revolver in hand, they sat alone in their study with the door locked before pulling the trigger.

Cue all-knowing articles from the somnambulant apostrophe-dodgers otherwise known as “journalists” in this country. Here’s one who claimed it was an obvious outcome and everyone could see it coming.

Yeah? Everyone except both political parties and every media outlet I’ve read/viewed/heard in the nearly three years I’ve been here, eh?

How’s the return on “investment” in the other struggler in the car manufacturing industry looking from last year? The one I couldn’t understand at the time, was it a share purchase, a contract for commitment or just a gift?

You see, with Ford leaving the party, it’s highly likely that Holden and Toyota (who have already cut back production while the dollar is high) will not have enough of a critical mass to support the necessary domestic parts supply chain. Which means even higher input costs as the imported parts will be subject to duty.

Holden Motors will be going on my 2017 DeadPool list as a consequence.

The reactions to the news about the factory closures are instructional. My flabber was ghasted last night while watching one talking heads programme. An unreconstructed communist called Nick Champion, a Federal MP, suggested that the right action was more government assistance and, get this, import tariffs.

Import tariffs.

Good people of Australia, your politicians hold you in such utter contempt that, rather than respect your decision (in the hundreds of thousands per year) to not touch the Ford Falcon with a shit-encrusted 20ft pole and buy superior and cheaper imported cars instead, they want to encourage you by force (tax IS threatened force; try not paying it) to buy the domestic shitbox from Geelong.

I’m increasingly of the opinion that the majority of Australian politicians are unconsciously nostalgic for the 1970′s and have statist, if not Communist tendencies. I include many of the Liberal party in that generalisation too. Nick Champion was only 8 years old at the end of that decade so probably has little memory of the retaliatory trade resort unctions in place around the globe. I’d commend him to read some modern economic history.

Tariffs are one way of driving the Australian De Loren Commodore back to the future and into the bad old days of restricted global trade.

Highly-unionised workforces are another sure fire method.

Oh lookee here; just one of the motor industry’s Employment Bargaining Agreements. There’s some stunning provisions in this contract with a group of cleaners. Extremely generous severance pay, requirements on Ford to notify the union of changes to the job (“could you please clean the storeroom as we’ve just emptied it?”, “no, you’ve got to check with the union first”) and $4 more than the minimum hourly wage. $4 doesn’t sound much, but it’s $7,000 a year more per employee, all of which is an input cost to that Commodore you didn’t buy.

Everyone is to blame for Ford closing, ultimately. Feel free to dish out percentages of blame across these stakeholders;

  • Ford’s management: Terrible choices about production models and weak negotiation skills with unions.
  • Unions: Look at the result of those 4 weeks paid leave, plus sick leave (which Australians view as real leave that must be taken!), generous parental leave, additional national holidays, fantastic severance pay, unreal shift loadings and overtime rates (2.5 x pay for weekends??).
  • Federal and State Governments: Heroin addicts don’t tend to get clean by gifts of more heroin, they usually just die. Oh, hang on….
  • Joe Public: Allowing your government to bail out these idiots yet not buying the damn car is analogous to paying your monthly subscription to Fitness First but only ever using the sauna.
  • The high dollar. Nah, only kidding; that’s not to blame at all, despite what you’ll read in the press. Just a convenient crutch.

Depending on which source you believe, there are somewhere between 200,000 and 950,000 folk employed in or dependent on the car manufacturing industry in Australia. Any fool can see that these jobs are gone forever by the end of the decade at latest.

Don’t cry for them though; they’ve got some of the best severance terms this side of a 1970′s nationalised industry. We’re talking 6 figures in most cases.

But, the question still not being asked and therefore miles away from being answered is, “where are those jobs coming from in future?”

They’re not coming from mining anymore and I’ve placed my bet that the RBA is wrong, they won’t come from the housing industry either.

What’s Australia’s future economy going to be based on?

FORD: Failed on rallying dollar rubbish decisions.

The unexamined life is not worth living

The drop in frequency of posts here recently should be a good clue that I’m currently busier than a Labor (sic) MP on Seek.com.au (availability for a new position: Sept. 15th).

The light at the end of the tunnel has been spotted however (or perhaps it’s an on-coming train) and normal service should be resumed next week.

Here’s something which has been confusing me for the last few days though; are all Australian businesses a bit shite or is it just the ones I end up winning as clients?

I know life has been easy here for a couple of decades and there is the added complication that anyone with a pulse and a driving licence is sitting behind the wheel of a Scania in the Pilbura, but there’s some seriously inefficient businesses and departments out there.

Don’t get me wrong, this really isn’t a complaint; if they were lean, mean processing machines I’d be on the dole and eating 2 minute noodles in Buttfucksville, western suburbs.

The shiteness pays the rent, thank you very much.

But frankly I’ve been astounded at some of the conversations I’ve had at work this month in my new assignment. Has anyone heard the expression “if you can’t measure it, you can’t manage it”?

There’s not much management going on here;

TNA: Ok, so your department manufactures our chocolate dildo range, right? How many do you make each month?
Director of Choc.Dil.Prod.: Erm, difficult question that one, you see we have several production machines and they have different unit counters.
TNA: Can’t you just add the totals up?
DCDP: Well yes, I suppose so but what would we want that information for?
TNA: Well, the Chinese State Chocolate Corporation are just about to launch their best-selling chocolate dildo in Australia at a tenth of the price. Anyway, lets move on. How much wastage is there?
DCDP: I’m not sure, the team eat the broken ones in their morning and afternoon tea breaks, they like dipping them in their mugs.
TNA: Ok, speaking of the team, what’s their combined salary costs? Can you give me details of their attendance history? I saw a picture in a surfing magazine of one of your team leads taking a wave in Teahuppoo this month despite the fact he’s been on long term sick leave since 1987.
DCDP: Um, I’m not really sure. Doesn’t HR have this kind of detail?

And it continues in the same vein. I’d like to pretend there is an exaggeration for comedic effect but these are the embarrassing (i.e. I was embarrassed for them) exchanges I’ve been having.

Can you guess what happens next?

So here’s some helpful advice if you have the word “manager” in your job title: collect metrics on what it is you do, how quickly, to what level of quality and at what cost. Perhaps compare these with the industry and competition.

And if you discover that you take longer to make a worse product at a higher cost than your competitors, close up shop and go and do something else instead (big friendly wave at Holden Cars).

Before the CEO introduces you to an arrogant Pommy cunt who will assist you.

The nine most scariest words in the English language are, “I’m from the government Head Office and I’m here to help”.

R. Reagan

I am become Shiva, destroyer of worlds

The Indian Premier League is one of the worst ideas to hit cricket since someone suggested Nasser Hussain might make a great England captain.

It reminds me of the Eric Hoffer quote that “….business corrupts everything it touches”. The IPL is the logical conclusion of a sport transforming further into a business without reference to its soul.

How ironic that such an unseemly outcome should befall cricket in a country as deeply mystical and spiritual as India.

We’re starting to see it all unpick now though. Critical words are being expressed and listened to. Inquiries are being instigated. Careers are being ended, or at the very least damaged. Some folk will end up in jail. Indian jails aren’t pleasant places, I’d guess, certainly if the smell of even the nice parts of the country is anything to go by.

Of course, the money men will simply cash in and move on to the next bubble; probably something insane like a 6 week soccer competition between Chelsea, Man Utd, Barcelona, Milan and Dortmund played in Shanghai in the middle of the European season.

As an example of the destructive tendency of IPL to ruin everything and everyone, David Warner faces a disciplinary panel for the truly modern crime of “aggravated dickheadness on social media“.

Ten years ago, the worst damage you could do with a phone while drunk was to SMS lecherous suggestions to the wrong person or phone someone asleep on the other side of the world to remind them you were still an idiot after 10 pints. Now, you can let the world know you are an arsehole instantly and regret it at your leisure.

Of course, a sober David Warner would never have defended the IPL; it’s a corrupt and venal competition where no result can be trusted as clean. Huge volumes of cash are bet on wagers as stupid as run rate per over or how many players will be wearing sunglasses.

As it is, he now risks missing out on the Ashes tour (although who Cricket Australia could possibly replace him with is a mystery). Actually, maybe that’s why he did it.

Anyway, if he does get dropped because of it, watch out for a certain recent Australian immigrant doing his damnedest to bait @MClarke23 into a Twitter war.

‘cos then we’ll be into their tail…….

Richmond caption competition

I was tempted not to capture this great example of a 74 point Richmond; it’s very late in the off-season and I was concerned that there may be a fine for shooting them during the, ahem, breeding season (hands up who just tasted a little sick in their mouth reading that?).

Nonetheless, I risked it for you, dear reader:

20130519-114128.jpg

He’s writing something on a notepad for her. She’s looking on attentively.

Here’s a bit of fun for a Sunday, what do you think is being written or said?

Is he outlining her entitlement in his will? Marking her homework?

You decide.

The prize is honour and credence.

A great servant for his country

Scenes of grief redolent of the passing of a North Korean leader here in Chez New Australian this week.

Why? David Beckham’s retirement from wendyball.

Now, first let me make an admission; I’ve only ever been to two soccer matches and spent the entire 180 minutes wondering what it was that the people around me saw as worthy of attention. The histrionics, arm-waving, rolling around as if shot by a sniper and general hectoring of the officials seemed more vulgar than entertaining. Perhaps they simply appreciate the patronising hands-above-the-head applauding of the players at full time.

Clearly, wendyball is not for me.

But Beckham’s retirement is a different matter, after all here is one of the greatest English players to have run on to a pitch.

Look at all of his achievements in an extraordinary career spanning five countries and over a decade.

Ah, now there’s the rub……

Being a self-confessed sceptic of the delights of the nylon acting game, I’ve not really followed it much so can’t reel off the statistics of his career without reference to the university of Wiki.

Here’s his Wiki page. By the way, this must surely qualify as one of the longest Wiki entries ever, there’s more words written about his damn tattoos than there are on the Wiki page about Fermault’s Last Theorem. It seems a strange state of affairs in the world when a 38 year old wendyball player has more written about him on Wiki than, say, Norman Mailer. Oh well.

Anyway, after checking up on his achievements, I can safely say that David Beckham will be sorely missed by English soccer fans. It will be a long time before we are blessed with a talent as underachieving as his:

1996 U21 Euro Cup – failed to qualify
1998 World Cup – lost
2000 Euro Cup – lost
2002 World Cup – lost
2004 Euro Cup – lost
2006 World Cup – lost
2008 Euro Cup – lost

Truly his epitaph should read,

If I should die, think only this of me: That there’s some corner of a foreign field that is forever England.

The Gideons Society announce a new direction

Press Release.
Rome, May 17th, 2013

After many decades of spreading the Gospel by leaving cheap production bibles in the bottom drawer of hotel bedrooms, thus giving bored business travellers a realistic alternative to knocking one out in front of the bone channel, we have decided our religious work is pointless complete.

This is the iPhone generation; a tissue paper book talking about unicorns and fairies in language more bizarre than a Lord of the Rings script no longer appeals to most of the world.

Better to leave our evangelical work to far more competent twenty year old West African preachers shouting the message of humility in spangly suits and bespoke shoes to warehouses full of faithful on out of town industrial estates.

No, here at Gideons we have a new direction. Like much of the thinking world we were shocked this week to learn that that the Pope thinks that the world is in the mess it is because of capitalism.

Obviously he was up a mountain meditating on his chakras or chanting “Allah Akbar” or whatever it is modern “inclusive” non-evangelical Catholics do in their spare time when the banks were bailed out and every major employer was subsidised with taxpayers’ money.

Either that or he’s got the meaning of Capitalism confused with Socialism, which is to be expected; he’s Argentinian after all. The club of sensible Argentinian economists could hold their annual meeting in a phone booth (obviously they’d have to bring a wheelbarrow of coins if they needed to make a call, what with the national tendency towards hyperinflation an’ all).

Pope Francis Rossi is clearly a lost cause, but that doesn’t mean we should give up hope for the next generation of popes.

So it is for this reason we have just signed a new contract with our printers to switch to production of this book;

20130517-081541.jpg

It has recently slipped out of copyright so we can publish “value” versions quite efficiently.

Obviously we won’t be able to target the next papal generation by leaving copies in hotel rooms; they tend to stay in church-provided accommodation when they travel. Instead we will liberally distribute copies in the following locations in the hope that the next pope will stumble across one on his travels and be suitably enlightened;

- youth clubs
- public toilets
- children’s playgrounds
- saunas
- Sydney’s Mardi Gras
- The foyer of theatres showing Lloyd-Webber musicals

In the words of Saint Lennon, “All we are saying, is give capitalism a chance”.

Craigslists: things I will be doing on September 14th

The Chinese use two brush strokes to write the word ‘crisis.’ One brush stroke stands for danger; the other for opportunity. In a crisis, be aware of the danger–but recognize the opportunity.

John F. Kennedy

Life is an opportunity. The world is my oyster. I can be and do anything I set my mind to.

With this in mind here’s one of my current favourite lists;

Things I will doing on September 14th 2013

1. Submitting my final expense claim of the current parliament, ensuring I’ve remembered all those trips to visit constituents wherever they are, be they at home or at work (including the ones working in brothels).

2. Enjoying a fine dinner at one of the better restaurants in town. Tetsuya’s comes well-recommended and they accept my Health Services Union credit card.

3. Reporting my mobile phone and credit card as temporarily stolen if they are ever used to order and pay for prostitutes.

4. Enjoying the full support of my doting and wonderful wife.

5. Waiting for the official count to confirm my election as the Independent MP for Dobell.

I love lists, me.

20130516-075405.jpg

Is it me?

I am prepared to face the distinct possibility that I have an outdated and anachronistic view of appropriate office attire and I need to consider “loosening up a little, dude”.

Maybe my loathing of “business casual” is irrational, perhaps my mantra of “casual clothes leads to casual thinking” isn’t relevant in Australian offices and some of the country’s most productive and sharpest minds are maintained in bodies which are dressed like skateboarding thrash metal fans.

So I’m seeking your opinion. Is my colleague’s choice of work attire dilettante-esque or entirely acceptable for a fairly formal, traditional office environment?

20130515-120336.jpg

Is it me, or does this indicate the mind of a schizophrenic at work? Tie but no socks? Boat shoes?

Something tells me we’re not on Fenchurch Street anymore, Toto.

Don’t play a player, Swannie

Wayne Swan thought he pulled a fast one last night, cutting the baby bonus from the budget for next year (as if he’ll be around to see it through!).

As an aside, I love the timeline in which the rort bonus will be removed; nine months. Can anyone seriously imagine a scenario where, after switching off the irresistible aphrodisiac of The World’s Best Treasurer announcing too little too late from Canberra, a woman turns to her excited partner and says, “darling, you will have to put a condom on after tonight; we won’t get five grand for the consequence”?

Anyway, by way of an announcement, I saw your little trick way before you announced it Wayney.

We’ve been holding some news back for you;

20130515-101358.jpg

Due way before your deadline. Get that cheque book ready, we need a new TV.

The Cinderella Suit – An Australian Fairy Tale

Once upon a time a 12 year old Chinese boy skilled old tailor was hired to sew a new suit for a rich businessman. He chose some tatty cheap cloth the finest fabrics, strong new thread, a dull bright-coloured lining and set to work in his factory workshop, cutting and sewing all day long.

When he was finished, he viewed his work and proudly showed the businessman. However, the businessman was an arrogant and lazy man because, as a child, he was raised on a diet of TV dinners, absent and placatory parents followed by several years of institutionalised sodomy as a method to enforce subservience to a hierarchy based on age grade at Cunt College. He didn’t appreciate the craftsmanship of the suit and simply threw the money on the counter as he snatched the clothes from the frightened old tailor.

Every morning as the mentally-dysfunctional and emotionally-scarred businessman showered and prepared for his day at work at Macquarie Bank, the jacket and trousers would look hopefully from their hanger, wondering if today they would be selected as the attire for the day? But the businessman only ever chose the trousers, never the jacket.

Some days he would wear the trousers with a “puffa” body warmer.

20130513-132050.jpg
 

Other days, he would pair them with a fleece.

20130514-092956.jpg
 

Each morning the jacket cried as his trousers were snatched from him and taken away for the day and he was left to hang with the other lonely jackets, some cheap ties, a 30 year old shirt and a “Bolero-style” jacket an ex-girlfriend of the businessman left in the house when she realised he was a complete sociopath and dumped him.
20130514-124500.jpg
 

Sometimes the trousers would be returned smelling of beer and cigarettes. Other days they would hang, spent and used with big brown stains of Indian food or worse underneath the sad and lonely jacket.

Then one day, the abuse became too much for the trousers and they split in the arse. This enraged the businessman and he angrily threw them in the corner of the room and, as he changed into another frightened pair of slightly-too-short trousers, shouted that he would be taking them down to the rubbish bin when he arrived home drunk that night.

This was too much for the jacket, he couldn’t bear the thought of his beloved trousers being cast into a big landfill. As soon as the front door slammed and the sound of the Holden Caulfield V8 engine disappeared down the street, he shrugged himself off the hanger where he’d spent every day of his life and fell to the floor. Using all his strength, he dragged himself along the floor and, tucking the trousers inside one of his arms, slipped out of an open window and into the street.

Just then, a poor rugby coach was walking past weeping because he had an invite to the Australian Rugby Awards night and had nothing to wear. His wicked and ugly step-sisters had thrown his only suit away while he was training the front row forwards how to scrum. He saw the suit and his heart leapt! It was a little tatty, yes, perhaps the fit could have been more snug, but it was a suit and he could go to the ball!

Dingo

No jacket required

My suits are designed and built (his verb) by a reet proper Yorkshireman called Dale Rhodes. I’ve therefore never tried to buy a suit in Australia so I’m coming at this post from a position of ignorance.

Perhaps the sales staff in menswear stores in Australia convince their “marks” that trousers don’t require a quick try-on in the fitting rooms to confirm the waist is snug, the inside leg doesn’t hang lower than a hip-hop musician’s and, critically, the ankle isn’t open to the elements in a wide and spacious gap between hem and shoe.

I don’t know, as I’ve never gone in to try one on so I simply can’t comment on the process, just the ridiculous crimes against fashion which result.

However, I am absolutely convinced that when buying a suit, Australian gentleman (cough) leave the store with at least one pair of (ill-fitting) trousers and a jacket.

Since going bespoke all those years ago I’ve always ordered two pairs of trousers per jacket to plan ahead for the ratio of wear and tear. That ratio assumes that the jacket is worn to and from the office, and probably about half the time spent in the office (always in meetings for example).

Based on my experience, I can only assume that Australian men purchase four or five pairs of trousers per suit OR their wardrobes are completely full of unused jackets for which the trousers wore out years ago.

Take, for example, my colleague Van the Man who arrived in the office yesterday wearing a pair of suit trousers, a shirt and this abomination;

20130513-132050.jpg

A fucking body-warmer.

“What’s with the poofy puffer, mate?” I enquired.

“It’s a bit cold today” he replied.

“Those trousers are from a suit, right?”

“Yes, why?”

“So, it’s precisely cold enough to require something additional on the trunk but not the limbs? Wow, that’s impressive temperature regulation”.

It’s a great illustration of the malaise; the male Australian white collar worker would rather grab a tatty nylon body warmer or a scruffy cardigan than to ever think to put the jacket on he purchased to match the trousers.

It’s a kind of inverse snobbery, an anti-smart dressing attitude; heaven forbid people think you’re trying hard to dress well. This may explain the trousers flying at half-mast in some bizarre perma-ANZAC Day tribute too; it must suggest one is a pathetic “try hard” if too long is spent sorting through the rack for the trousers which fit or, worse, buying a pair too long and having them altered.

Of course, the corollary of the estranged suit trousers is the single purchase trousers “matched” with a sports jacket, I sight which I too often see proudly wandering around the office areas.

Blue with black goes fine, right?

Budget lockdown. And throw away the key

Readers outside Australia’s increasingly-porous borders would be excused for not being aware that the Federal budget will be announced tomorrow. As monumentally-important such an event is on the global stage, I notice the foreign press haven’t really given it the commensurate coverage it deserves.

Which is a shame because there’s a great deal of pomp and circumstance involved with this date in the political and economic calendar. We’re not talking a Royal Wedding in London, but about as close as Australia gets. Maybe replace the courtiers escorting the horse-drawn carriage down The Mall for a bunch of badly-fitting suits and tan shoes doing a pub crawl along George Street.

First of all, the special nature of the event is underlined by the fact it happens in the evening after normal parliamentary business is complete. A cursory search has failed to enlighten me as to the reason behind this, I’m wondering if there’s some suggestion it might be market-moving hence the delay until after the ASX has closed. In which case, I think the logic has long atrophied away; all that will be announced tomorrow is some electioneering movement of benefits from one undeserving demographic to another.

Another dramatic effect which serves no obvious purpose is the press “lockdown” implemented prior to the announcement. Nary a phone call, PostIt note or Tweet can leave parliament from a defined deadline until Wayne Swan stands up to tell us the that he forgot to mend the roof while the sun was shining and the weatherman has just told him a downpour is due.

What’s the point? Surely he could just stand up and deliver the speech safe in the knowledge that his department can keep a secret up to that moment? Oh, ok.

Of course, if you want to see ridiculous gravitas-invoking shenanigans on budget day, one only needs to look at the Motherland with the battered red box and the tradition to bring the Chancellor a tipple to help his vocal lubrication.

It’s all of the same ilk; a song and dance to build up the importance and legitimacy of the completely unqualified (Wayne Swan’s career path has been University/Labor Party/Parliament/Government; his only frame of reference is to spend someone else’s money for them) to impose taxation, offer inducements, take out loans for you to buy things you don’t want and generally deflate the purchasing power of your labour.

Maybe we should cancel the lockdown this time and try locking them up instead?

There is something vaguely annoying about this

There’s a chain or franchise of funeral directors in Sydney by the name “White Lady”.

Frankly, in a city with Clover Moore anywhere near legislative authority, I’m amazed that the name alone isn’t deemed as racist or not Trans-inclusive.

However, that aside this is the frontage they use on their places of business:

20130510-072310.jpg

What’s offended my delicate sensibilities today?

Well, what’s this frontage saying or more importantly, not saying? “A woman’s understanding”? By the way, I’m astounded by that apostrophe; there must be a non-Australian working at the signage company.

Yes, I’m sure women can be empathetic to others in their hour of grief but what about the other 50% of the human race? No “understanding”?

Ok, it’s not the most important thing get upset about but if someone can write “female bodied-people” with a straight face to ensure inclusivity, I reckon I have the right to be offended as a “male bodied-person” who has once felt a twinge of empathy.

An indigenous prime minister is not impossible

Just extremely unlikely, statistically.

Last Saturday there was a full page advertisement taken out in The (old) Australian news paper as follows;

20130508-205909.jpg

A second page had a more uplifting message explaining that many people thought it possible an indigenous Prime Minister would be elected in their lifetime.

I’m here to break the bad news; statistically, it is extremely implausible based on the current selection bias for executive office in the main political parties.

I’ll explain why shortly, first lets look at who paid for the advert.

The Australian Indigenous Education Foundation is a “privately led” not for profit company which undertakes great work arranging scholarships for indigenous kids to attend some of the country’s better schools (but thankfully not Cunt College according to the annual report). Follow the money and you learn that 50% of its funding comes from the government. So we paid for the advert. The good news is that advertising rates have fallen significantly in recent times as the dead tree press declines, so we probably got a good bargain for the advert we paid for to tell ourselves something.

Sadly, the message given has a larger element of truth in it than the AEIF would want. The chances of an indigenous person becoming Prime Minister are minuscule.

The reasons are documented in two posts from earlier this week; this one about the shadow cabinet and this one about the current cabinet.

Both parties have an extremely obvious bias towards promoting lawyers into cabinet. The only notable difference between the two parties in this regard is that it seems often unnecessary to actually practice law following qualification to get on the union leadership through to government conveyor-belt for the Labor (sic) party whereas the Liberal’s lawyers do actually go to court and bill clients for a short period at the start of their career.

Roughly 80% of the current cabinet and shadow cabinet are qualified lawyers.

According to this Law Council report “much less than 1%” of the 55,000 Australian lawyers are from an indigenous background. Let’s say that it’s less than a third of a percent, so about 180 lawyers.

The political parties don’t publish membership numbers, presumably because it would illustrate how loathed they are (a view obscured by the compulsory voting system here) but Google suggests the combined membership is roughly 100,000.

The odds don’t look great for a future Prime Minister coming from an aboriginal background. It’s hard to calculate without knowing more details about the political subscriptions of the 180 indigenous lawyers but a wet finger in the air would suggest they had a 0.2% of making it to cabinet in the first place.

That’s not a reflection on the abilities of the indigenous population, but the small pool of parasites from which the political class draw their candidates for high office.

The future of Australian politics for some considerable time to come has LLB after its name and worked for a union immediately following qualification or one of only five law firms.

That’s diversity for ya.

UPDATE:
Apologies to earlier visitors and email subscribers who saw a truncated version of this post due to fat fingers a synchronisation error.

It’s not exactly “Atlas Shrugged” but marginally better than Labor

Yesterday I was stuck on a conference call with lawyers and spent the time researching the public sector experience of the current Federal Government Cabinet. It made me cry.

 

Today, a follow-up call with the human parasites to discuss limitations of liabilities (oh, be still my beating heart) gave me the opportunity to do the same for the Opposition.

Remember, my definition of “a job in the private sector” is one that isn’t paid for by a political party, a union, a department or “company” owned by or primarily-reliant on revenue from a government agency.

How did they do?

Portfolio Shadow Minister Last Proper Job
Leader of the Opposition Tony Abbott 1989, plant manager at a concrete factory
Deputy Leader of the Opposition Julie Bishop 1998, commercial lawyer
Shadow Minister for Foreign Affairs, Shadow Minister for Trade
Leader of the Nationals Warren Truss 1976, farmer
Shadow Minister for Infrastructure and Transport
Leader of the Opposition in the Senate Eric Abetz Information not available on Wiki, likely to be a lawyer though
Shadow Minister for Employment and Workplace Relations
Deputy Leader of the Opposition in the Senate George Brandis 2000, commercial lawyer
Shadow Attorney-General
Shadow Minister for Arts
Shadow Treasurer Joe Hockey Sometime in the mid-90s, banking and finance lawyer
Manager of Opposition Business in the House Christopher Pyne 1993, lawyer but only for 2 years
Shadow Minister for Education, Apprenticeships and Training
Deputy Leader of the Nationals Nigel Scullion 2001, fisherman
Shadow Minister for Indigenous Affairs
Leader of the Nationals in the Senate Barnaby Joyce 2004, accountant and nightclub bouncer
Shadow Minister for Regional Development, Local Government and Water
Shadow Minister for Finance, Deregulation and Debt Reduction Andrew Robb Agricultural lecturer so, in reality, never
Chairman, Coalition Policy Development Committee
Shadow Minister for Energy and Resources Ian Macfarlane 1998, farmer
Shadow Minister for Defence David Johnston 2002, barrister
Shadow Minister for Communications and Broadband Malcolm Turnbull 2004, various business interests including partner at the Vampire Squid
Shadow Minister for Health and Ageing Peter Dutton 2004, policeman and for 4 years as a “businessman”
Shadow Minister for Families, Housing and Human Services Kevin Andrews 1991, lawyer
Shadow Minister for Climate Action, Environment and Heritage Greg Hunt qualified as a lawyer but looks like he went straight into the public sector
Shadow Minister for Productivity and Population, Immigration and Citizenship Scott Morrison 2000, marketing and tourism but the latter sniffs of public sector
Shadow Minister for Innovation, Industry and Science Sophie Mirabella 1998, lawyer
Shadow Minister for Agriculture and Food Security John Cobb 2001, farmer
Shadow Minister for Small Business, Competition Policy and Consumer Affairs Bruce Billson never

It’s better than the government but not by much. There’s a bloke who did rather well in the IT world and ended up at the Vampire Squid Goldman Sachs (so is an absolute certainty to be Prime Minister at some stage; they plan to own every world leader by 2020), a couple of farmers, a fisherman and then the rest are lawyers.

 

Let us remind ourselves of Shakespeare’s thoughts on how to handle those in the legal profession;

 

The first thing we do; let’s kill all the lawyers.

 

There will be a coda to this series of blog posts tomorrow. See you then.

School holiday activities with the Manli ™ MILFs

Oh, hello! Back to school after the break again, I’ve missed the chaos of the school yard drop off, haven’t you?

What did you do with Ptolemy and Chlamydia over the half term break? We signed Blodwyn and Kennedy up for tennis camp, clown school, soccer club and ethical origami.

Yes, they loved it, apparently. But more importantly, I managed to carry on with my Vikram Yoga, Pilates and Class Parent Representatives meetings at the coffee shop.

What’s that? No, they’re not continuing the activities now, that’s far too much effort to get them there in the evenings after school.

Teaching them the value of persistence and practicing to develop a skill? No, there’s plenty of time for that later in life, I’m sure.

So what did you do with your two during the break? Oh, you just went to the park with them? Every day??? Wow.

Anyway, do you fancy a coffee? I’ve just enough time for a skinny decaf chai latté before I have to walk the 10km barefoot to the well to fetch the family’s water.

20130508-075525.jpg

Get a job, bums

My good friend Paddy over at CQAE wrote recently about a pinko communist who had never had a proper job.

In the comments section I made a throwaway generalisation bemoaning the “fact” (I didn’t have any basis to make the statement other than gut-feel, but hey, it’s the internet) that we now have two full generations of politicians, civil servants and Quango members who last worked in the private sector when they had a paper round.

I chuckled at the ridiculousness of my statement as I typed it last night, bleary-eyed after a rather delicious pinot noir. Of course it wasn’t true, it just feels that way.

A little more sober today, I was stuck on a fairly tedious phone call witnessing $1,500 per hour lawyers partake in the equivalent of a pissing contest based on the size of their consequential damages clauses. Bored, I started looking at the Wikipedia entries for the current Australian Federal Cabinet, making a note of the last time they held a job in the private sector.

Let me qualify this; “a job in the private sector” is one that isn’t paid for by a political party, a union, a department or “company” owned by or primarily-reliant on revenue from a government agency.

Fair warning: If you have anything sharp or solid to throw at people or things you love, move them out of reach before you read the following list:

Parliament of whores

So there you have it, the sum total of real experience working in the private sector in the current Federal Government Cabinet consisted of being the lead singer of the rock band, Midnight Oil.

I normally try to end my blog posts with an obscure reference to popular culture or a pithy, sarcastic or witty comment. Instead, I’m just going to sob quietly today.

SEO Powered by Platinum SEO from Techblissonline