The drop in frequency of posts here recently should be a good clue that I’m currently busier than a Labor (sic) MP on Seek.com.au (availability for a new position: Sept. 15th).
The light at the end of the tunnel has been spotted however (or perhaps it’s an on-coming train) and normal service should be resumed next week.
Here’s something which has been confusing me for the last few days though; are all Australian businesses a bit shite or is it just the ones I end up winning as clients?
I know life has been easy here for a couple of decades and there is the added complication that anyone with a pulse and a driving licence is sitting behind the wheel of a Scania in the Pilbura, but there’s some seriously inefficient businesses and departments out there.
Don’t get me wrong, this really isn’t a complaint; if they were lean, mean processing machines I’d be on the dole and eating 2 minute noodles in Buttfucksville, western suburbs.
The shiteness pays the rent, thank you very much.
But frankly I’ve been astounded at some of the conversations I’ve had at work this month in my new assignment. Has anyone heard the expression “if you can’t measure it, you can’t manage it”?
There’s not much management going on here;
TNA: Ok, so your department manufactures our chocolate dildo range, right? How many do you make each month?
Director of Choc.Dil.Prod.: Erm, difficult question that one, you see we have several production machines and they have different unit counters.
TNA: Can’t you just add the totals up?
DCDP: Well yes, I suppose so but what would we want that information for?
TNA: Well, the Chinese State Chocolate Corporation are just about to launch their best-selling chocolate dildo in Australia at a tenth of the price. Anyway, lets move on. How much wastage is there?
DCDP: I’m not sure, the team eat the broken ones in their morning and afternoon tea breaks, they like dipping them in their mugs.
TNA: Ok, speaking of the team, what’s their combined salary costs? Can you give me details of their attendance history? I saw a picture in a surfing magazine of one of your team leads taking a wave in Teahuppoo this month despite the fact he’s been on long term sick leave since 1987.
DCDP: Um, I’m not really sure. Doesn’t HR have this kind of detail?
And it continues in the same vein. I’d like to pretend there is an exaggeration for comedic effect but these are the embarrassing (i.e. I was embarrassed for them) exchanges I’ve been having.
Can you guess what happens next?
So here’s some helpful advice if you have the word “manager” in your job title: collect metrics on what it is you do, how quickly, to what level of quality and at what cost. Perhaps compare these with the industry and competition.
And if you discover that you take longer to make a worse product at a higher cost than your competitors, close up shop and go and do something else instead (big friendly wave at Holden Cars).
Before the CEO introduces you to an arrogant Pommy cunt who will assist you.
The nine most scariest words in the English language are, “I’m from
the governmentHead Office and I’m here to help”.