Important developments in the Rolf Harris scandal

UPDATE: yeah, the pictures are fucked, thus making this post pointless. I’ll fix it tomorrow.

Here at the New Australian, we like to bring breaking news whenever we have it. Scoops are our business. If it’s happening in the world of Australiana and it’s not being reported or reported accurately in the mainstream media, you can rely on this organ to bring you the real story.

You may or may not be aware of some rumours circulating about ~~Rolf Harris~~ an 82 year old Australian entertainer living in Berkshire.

What follows is an up to the minute bulletin on this growing scandal.

Today, while collecting bread products for breakfast at Aldi WTF?, I discovered that there is a special offer on children’s books. Ever on the lookout for the voracious readers that are Les Enfants du Nouveux Australie, I picked up this bargain for $2.99 (i.e. $3.00; there are no pennies in Australia);

Apparently, it is a timeless Aussie classic;

It tells the tale of a dying Australian stockman who requests some final favours from his doting mates, all of whom have suspiciously conveniently-rhyming names. These favours mainly involve a veritable menagerie of local fauna he has presumably collected over the years.

For example, Jack or Mac is instructed to take a koala bear back;

We then see Bill taking guardianship of a platypus (which isn’t a duck, strictly-speaking);

An anonymous co-conspirator is looking after some wallabies (note corrected punctuation) at repast. I like to think this unnamed helper is Keith Murdoch, keeping a low-profile as always;

Curl takes responsibility for cockatoo temperature regulation;

But it’s when the dying stockman (that’s him below) requests a musical interlude from Blue that we get a hint of the real scandal;

Hello! Who’s this chap of Aboriginal heritage? What’s the back-story with him then?

You see, the original song had a verse where an interlocutor, Lou, was advised to “let me Abbos go loose” and, furthermore, was informed that, “they’re of no further use, Lou“.

Try as I might, I can’t seem to locate this verse in the book I now have in my possession.

It would seem the verse has made good its getaway, bolted, shown a clean pair of heels, departed, chucked a dummy and a sidestep and left Rolf grasping at thin air.

There seems to be some kind of censorship going on here.

Surely the mainstream media should investigate and, if there’s an allegation of wrongdoing, name the accused?

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the latest news on the Rolf Harris scandal.

Well tie me kangaroo down, sport.

I went to Aldi and I bought….

Did you ever play that memory game as a kid where you go around a group trying to remember an increasing number of fictional items purchased from a shop?

Here’s a start on the Aldi WTF? version;

I went to Aldi and bought…..

An apple
A bunk bed

Chairs and table garden furniture

Deodorant
Eggs
Fish fillets
Garden water feature
Happy sitting budha

Ice cream
Jam
Etc. etc.

Another impulse purchase at Aldi WTF

Shopping for breakfast this morning;

- Turkish bread rolls
- Butter (unsalted, natch)
- Aldi’s snide version of ~~Vegemite~~ Marmite
- Heavy-duty jump start with air compressor

We love Aldi WTF!

Whaddya mean I’m a funny guy?

Like I amuse you, like I’m some kinda clown?

Thanks to Little Bastard for this spot at Aldi. His shopping list read as follows, apparently;

Deodorant (he really needs it)
Bread rolls
Mixed salad
Washing powder
Unicycle

Emergency Wards all over Australia are preparing for a rush of broken wrists this weekend as novice clowns attempt to learn a new skill.

Wiseguy, eh?

The New Australian Nightclub

The New Australian business empire doesn’t currently have a nightclub listed in the asset register (note to self; double-check that, there may be some wholesale-priced wine to be had).

The food, drink and entertainment service industry has always struck me as hard yakker with a lot of regulation and very little chance of big money to be made. That and the fact that if I’m not in bed by 9.45pm nowadays I’m the grumpiest man in Christendom.

But, if I were to own a nightclub I would bring my inimitable skills of frugality and innovation to bear on the operation. For example, all surfaces and floors would be waterproof and good drainage would be installed to save money on cleaners; a simple hose down the morning after and we’d be ready for the next night’s hedonism.

Obviously drinks would be served in plastic glasses or paper cups to prevent us being sued after the inevitable bogan attempt at glassing someone.

We’d also save money on a DJ by playing my iPod’s “running” playlist on loop with some inane pre-recorded comments between tracks. My musical taste is fucking brilliant (as you’ll discover later today), so it’s bound to go down well with the crowd. P’raps.

But best of all would be the door policy; no need to ID check people to confirm that they are over 21, we would simply offer them a bowl of olives. Anyone who pulls a face when chewing one is clearly not yet an adult.

Okay, there’s work to be done and we’ve got to iron out some practicalities but I think it would be a great success. We just need a catchy name that sums up the general vibe of the place.

How does, “Go Ugly Early” sound?

Far better and certainly more honest than all those provincial clubs called “Champers”, “Chaplins”, “Bubbles”, etc.

Anyway, the olives just got cheaper. Aldi WTF? are banging out a 3.5kg tub for people who really like olives.

We love Aldi WTF?!

Cutting the grass with extreme prejudice

Shopping list at Aldi today;

- Skimmed milk
- Wholegrain mustard
- Sliced roast beef
- Crusty bread (nice lunchtime sarnie)
- Petrol lawnmower
- Mitre saw

Got to love Aldi WTF!

(email subscribers might be amused by the wrong photo originally attached; that was a Diwali lunch)

Can the last retail outlet in Australia please switch off the lights?

Those of you who are armchair psychologists might enjoy theorising about this aspect of my personality….

I’m both spendthrift and profligate depending on the expense type. For example, I’ve gone out for dinner at Michelin-starred restaurants yet taken the bus home rather than taxi. Or, I spunk a couple of grand on a suit from me owd mate Dale Rhodes but bring home-made lunches to work rather than go out and buy lunch. Also, I brew my own beer ~~to save money~~ because Australian beer is so bloody awful. Anyway, you get the picture; I spend big dollars on some stuff but scrimp and save on others. Maybe I can do the one because of the other, I dunno…..

It’s because of the lunch savings that I was a little surprised today. Today was one of the rare occasions where I’d not prepared anything in advance and didn’t want to assemble something from Aldi-purchased ingredients so I wandered out to grab a bite to eat. Nothing too heavy but perhaps a little carbohydrate as I’m running home today (mainly so I can justify the Friday night binge drinking that us Anglo-Saxons seem genetically-coded to do), so I thought I’d return to a nice Asian noodle bar I’ve visited before at one of the food courts in the area. This one;

Oh, when did that close down then?

Ok, no problems, I’ll grab some pasta and carb-load for the run with Italian food instead.

Round the corner to another food court to the Spaghetti place, here;

Ok, I guess no pasta either then.

Is it just North Sydney or is everywhere in Australia closing down?

Fog on the Tyne is all mine all mine

Shopping list this morning;

- Turkish bread rolls
- Sliced ham
- Emmental cheese
- Strawberries
- Fog machine for the The New Australian nightclub, “Chaplins” (free entry for ladies, 2 for the price of 1 pints of snakebites)

Brilliant! Only Aldi would know that there’s a market for a serious volume of fog machines in Sydney this month. They have a genius working in the product development department.

I can only assume that I’ve missed out on the details of a forthcoming reunion tour for Andrew Eldritch and the boys from The Sisters of Mercy, aka The Blisters of Misery. I’ll check the gig listings now and pop back to Aldi for some black clothes dye to get my wardrobe prepared.

Here they are banging out the very literary-referencing “Marian” (how many clever references can you count? Sebastian Brant and Poe don’t count; too easy);

He always was a bit of a show-off, young Eldritch; check out his switch to German halfway through the third verse. Just ‘cos he can.

The black clothing and leather is going to be a bit impractical if he’s touring Sydney in the next few months though. Sweaty much? The sunglasses will come in handy however, but if he continues to keep them on in the dark he won’t “feel the benefit” as my mother used to say about wearing a coat indoors…..

If you want yer dog welding, I’m yer man

Aldi today reminded me of an Alexi Sayle joke from the 80′s;

I’ve gorra CSE in biology and metalwork, me; if you want yer dog welding, I’m yer man.

Shopping list today;

- milk, low fat and organic
- prunes
- ex-lax chocolate
- rubber gloves
- cat litter
- 2,200W dual valve compressor

Cutting the monster tracks on the decks

Today’s shopping list;

Vegemite
Turkish bread
Unsalted butter
Record player (with AM/FM receiver as a bonus)
A big tub of dinosaurs
Circular saw

Got to love AldiWTF?

The full life cycle at Aldi WTF?

Today’s shopping list;

- Skimmed milk (looking after my figure)
- Vegemite (trying to integrate)
- Turkish bread
- Unsalted butter
- Earl Grey tea (leaves not bags… standards need to be maintained)
- 5kg of potting mix
- Home composter

I guess that covers the whole cycle of life there. Bob Brown would be pleased if he shopped at Aldi WTF? this week.

Aldi hits the press

Many lifetimes ago, I used to spend quite a bit of time travelling in the UK for work and living in some fairly shitty hotels.

The common denominator was the Corby Trouser Press installed on the wall of the room. I don’t recall ever staggering back in from the bar (fuck, I thought expenses were the best invention since the vulva back then) and dropping my strides into one to ensure a crisp, clean edge for the following day’s meetings.

I do, however, remember thinking that somewhere in the UK was a very savvy and, presumably well-off, salesman of Corby Trouser Presses.

This week’s special offer in Aldi is a snide version of the Corby and a steam carpet cleaner.

And why not? That’s the beauty of Aldi WTF?

Expert running advice at Aldi

Today’s shopping list;

- eggs
- milk
- porridge oats
- a new pair of running shoes for the City to Surf race

I had a very informative discussion with the young chap on the check-out about pronation and how to avoid plantar fasciitis. We then did some bio-dynamic tests and he recommended a shoe appropriate to my running style.

Oh, hang on…. this is Aldi.

Spare us the cutter

Today’s shopping list;

- shampoo
- sanitary towels (I’m a renaissance man, supportive of my partner’s needs)
- bread products for breakfast
- compressed air sheet metal cutters

Honey, I’m just popping to the grocery store

Shopping List:
Washing powder
Bananas
Tea bags
Milk
Bread
Toothpaste
Heavy duty engine stand

I love the randomness of Aldi!

This is the second post of a new category, Aldi: WTF?

I wanna be sedated

There’s an Aldi near the office, I pop in there occasionally to buy various bread products for breakfast at my desk.

Aldi amuses me regularly; it’s a bit pikey, mainly flogging packaged and processed crap to overweight bogans in flouro-jackets stocking up for their lunch break on the construction site.

I’ve also seen a couple of Richmonds in there but never managed to get the money shot.

But the biggest source of chuckles comes from a funny aisle in the middle of the shop that sells absolutely random shit that you never knew you needed. Ever.

I’ve seen all sorts of labour-saving devices in there, from self-cleaning cat litters to multiple-loading toilet roll dispensers. There are bulk-buy cans of motorcycle brake fluid and Hello Kitty alarm clocks.

But today’s special offer was the best yet. Who wouldn’t be tempted by an Aldi wheelchair as an impulse purchase when popping in for a litre of milk and an Easter egg? Eh? Eh?

Just put me in a wheelchair, get me on a plane. Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane…….

The New Australian

Proudly nearly Australian since 2010. "I'm not grumpy, the rest of the world is just unrealistically upbeat"

Category Archives: Aldi, WTF?

Important developments in the Rolf Harris scandal

I went to Aldi and I bought….

Another impulse purchase at Aldi WTF

Whaddya mean I’m a funny guy?

The New Australian Nightclub

Cutting the grass with extreme prejudice

Can the last retail outlet in Australia please switch off the lights?

Fog on the Tyne is all mine all mine

If you want yer dog welding, I’m yer man

Cutting the monster tracks on the decks

The full life cycle at Aldi WTF?

Aldi hits the press

Expert running advice at Aldi

Spare us the cutter

Honey, I’m just popping to the grocery store

I wanna be sedated

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