Some bloke I never watch on TV is in trouble with the sisterhood this week.
David Koch made the schoolboy error of trying to get between an earth mother and her mewling puking wee bairn. Specifically at feeding time. Breast feeding time.
When is breast feeding time? All the fucking time if mum has decided breast is best. Why? Because chances are the baby is constantly hungry.
After breaking ranks last week with my exposure of the dirty secret about business travel, I’m going one step further; I’m going to let you into the secret that health professionals all over the western world will only admit in the pub after several glasses of dry white wine;
Breast feeding is fucking bollocks.
Ok, that’s a bit harsh. There are a few reasons why you might want to breast feed in 2013 and, for the sake of balance, here they are in full;
1. You’ve got huge tits and can be certain you’re producing gallons of milk.
2. You’re feeling really guilty about even thinking about using a bottle after all the pressure the health system have piled on you during pregnancy.
3. You like going out in public looking as if you’ve just been released from an extraordinary rendition centre specialising in sleep deprivation torture.
4. You and your partner don’t want to resume your sex life any time in the next 2 calendar years.
5. You’re some sort of no-bra, no make up, hairy-legged Gaia dyke.
6. You scratch out a subsistence living in a remote African village without access to consistently-safe drinking water.
Yep, I think that’s the list in full.
Otherwise, get a set of bottles and some formula milk and prepare for a really good night’s sleep after you feed the baby a decent amount of food. Better still, you’ll know you’ve fed the baby a decent amount of food because, unless the design of female mammary glands has changed dramatically without me noticing, there isn’t a empty/full gauge on women’s tits.
If you really really want to give your bundle of pride and joy some breast milk, buy yourself one of those mains-connected expressing pumps to fill a bottle first. Should you find yourself struggling to get anything of substance out with the help of 220 volts AC, ask yourself how you think the cheek muscles of a newborn are going to do any better? Magical baby suction?
Nah, David Koch was right to call out the breast-feeding mafia, just for the wrong reasons. Breast feeding in a public place isn’t offensive, but it is only done by complete tits.
In the meantime, get down to Martin’s Place tomorrow to see the sisterhood radically breast feeding. And wonder, like me, how so many of them ever got laid even once in the first place.